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Real Talk with Sofia Clarke Episode 3, Special Guest: Impact

(Jazz music begins to play as the cameras focus on a dimly lit room with two brown, leather single recliners taking center stage with a wooden coffee table wedged in between. On top of the coffee table is a black landline phone connected to various wires. Next to the phone is a provocatively dressed Sofia Clarke as she’s shown wearing a dark black tight dress with a cherry red lip. Sofia presses her arms together creating some sort of clearly non-existent cleavage as she begins to speak.)

SOFIA CLARKE: WELCOME EVERYONE TO REAL TALK! I’m your host, REVOLT’s own, Sofia Clarke. Before we begin guys, you know the drill, I want to thank every single one of you who decided to tune in on our previous episode with the legendary Mr. DEDEDE. That episode was one of our highest rated installments and it just keeps getting better, folks. For tonight’s Real Talk we have yet another legendary guest, he is one half of the REVOLT Tag Team Champions, previously known as The Machine, Mr. 7 Reigns, IMPACT!

(The cameras then focus on Impact who is sitting in the recliner wearing a black dress shirt, blue jeans and black shoes. Sofia claps as Impact lays his championship on his shoulder and does not break his tough demeanor.)

IMPACT: I’m waiting.

SOFIA CLARKE: Ooookay, my producer is telling me that calls are beginning to pour in! Shall we get this show on the road?

IMPACT: That’s what they pay me for.

SOFIA CLARKE: …Wonderful. Well, let’s push the button to see who the first caller is! Oh! I almost forgot to mention but if you want your tweet to be featured on tonight’s show use the #7REIGNS!

(Sofia pushes the button as she smiles towards Impact, but is received with a disgusted frown from the Tag Team Champion.)

IMPACT: Ogling me like a two-cent whore trying to secure the bag. Have some self-respect. Let’s get on with this.

SOFIA CLARKE: Don’t flatter yourself. (Pushes button) Caller… you’re live with Sofia Clarke and Impact! What is your burning question?

IMPACT: I’m all ears. And titles. Don’t forget the titles.

Man: Ayo, Impact… What’s good?

IMPACT: What’s “good”? A hell of a lot when you’re one half of the Tag Team Champions and the hottest act in wrestling today.

Man: Yo, I’m from the mean streets of Harlem, you ever been there?

IMPACT: Wasn’t too long ago I was beating someone from Harlem in that ring. Malcolm Jones and Chris Elite didn’t have the “stiffy, uh,” but they did the get the L… (Imp smirks)

Man: Ain’t MJ and Elite kick out of y’all finishers though? We not going to act like that didn’t happen.

IMPACT: Point is that it doesn’t matter if it happened because Liquid Swords took home that W. History does not remember losers. Apparently, bums standing in solidarity with their townsmen do.

Man: Yooo, you talkin’ mighty right there. The real question is; when are the Seattle Mariners going to do anything? I mean, ANYTHING?

IMPACT: I’m the most successful thing coming out of Seattle. That much is clear. It’s callers like you that take these cheap little regional slights at me in hopes that reminding of the Mariners’ four playoff appearances in forty-plus seasons will create a chink in the armor. You think just because the Sonics have made the playoffs more recently than the Mariners that you can call in and try to son me? Fuck you. You can’t buy the gold I sling over my shoulder on a nightly basis, bitch.

Man; Hilarious. When you gonna call it quits, man? You gone break a hip the next time you finna take a bump.

IMPACT: When are you going to quit your nine-to-five? Or better yet, when are you going to stop being a basement-dwelling Blicky Boyz dickrider? Likely not anytime soon. I might break a hip? I mean, seriously, bruh? Obviously you haven’t been watching me dominate in that ring on a weekly basis to be saying some bullshit like that, but it’s obvious you’ve been waiting for your opportunity to “troll” me, basing your schedule around my appearance on this show, because you know you wouldn’t get another chance. You and I are in different stratospheres. Now go back to your mom’s baseme — I’m sorry, “mancave,” and chug that Mountain Dew aka battery acid while you chomp your Dorito’s and play overwatch. I’ll stay winning.

SOFIA CLARKE: Listen, Impact, if you ever want to end some of these calls just let me know and there is no problem. I am here for you.

IMPACT: I’m not here for you.

SOFIA CLARKE: NEXT CALLER.

Woman: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY GOD!!

IMPACT: (Rolls eyes) … Oh no, another one of the crazies.

Woman: I’m so so so so so sorry for acting this way but I’ve been a fan of yours since I was a young girl!

IMPACT: Right, right. (Impact mumbles) … so now you’ve graduated into being a groupie. I mean, what’s your question?

Woman: My name is Rachelle and I wanted to ask you what separates this alliance with Mr. DEDEDE from all of your alliances in the past, such as the legendary Generation Genesis, StarrPact and then those other irrelevant teams? No hate, but it’s true.

IMPACT: Every team I associate with becomes a well-oiled machine, but it’s usually because of my unparalleled diligence and a tireless commitment to my craft that the conditions for a legitimate force are created. Simply put, when I’m teaming with anybody else? I have to do the lion’s share of the work because I’ve unfortunately been surrounded by people who can’t hold my jockstrap. I carry them. They piggyback off my image to gain success they couldn’t have achieved on their own. Mental midgets or people otherwise deficient in character, ability, or worst of all, testosterone. DEDEDE, we have an amazing synergy because we both equally carry our weight in this partnership. It’s not on some “I’ll do everything and let you take the credit” type shit like I usually do with my “teammates.” Fact of the matter is that I could carry a broomstick into being a respectable partner alongside me, and so could DEDEDE. So you combine those forces and you have two wrestlers who connect in their greatness. Ain’t no babysitting ’round here.

Rachelle: Oh, okay. I feel you on that. Sof, can I ask another question?

SOFIA CLARKE: Yes and don’t call me Sof.

Rachelle: … What is your relationship status?

IMPACT: None. I ain’t turning no hoe into a housewife. I already made that mistake before. But if someone wants to be another conquest in my collection…

Rachelle: … Do you want my number? I live in Vancouver, B.C but I can catch the nearest train to f–

SOFIA CLARKE: OK, NEXT CALLER.

IMPACT: She wanted to see the views from the peak of Impact Mountain. Can’t blame her.

Woman: Hey Impact, my name is Sabrina from ESPN.com. How are you this evening?

IMPACT: Could be getting my dick sucked by a Freeweight thotty if I’m being real. Could be worse, I guess.

Sabrina: Oh, wonderful I suppose. A question that has been lingering in my head for the past couple of years is how do you feel about the whole industry pretty much stealing your flow and running with it without giving you any credit?

IMPACT: It’s funny. I wouldn’t really care if the same clowns that jacked my swagger gave me some credit, an “Impact revolutionized the style” compliment or at least paid some form of respect to my contributions in this industry, but it’s the biting, no-credit-giving shameless fucking haters that always try to misrepresent their work as if it is original because they can’t come to grips with the fact that their entire style is a derivative of mine. They have these fake-deep “complex” pseudo-intellectual little gimmicks and they try to misrepresent their shit as remotely original when I was not only doing it, but doing it better than they ever did. After all, I didn’t rip my shtick from Game of Thrones. I didn’t jerk off watching anime for twenty-four consecutive hours and come up with a moveset. I didn’t watch Deadpool or any of these dime-a-dozen superhero movies and slightly touch up the lines and drop them on the mic. These people don’t have a single creative bone in their body, so they resort to piggybacking off the originators and blaming the viewer if they think their lame-ass gimmick is a lame-ass gimmick. Fact is? They all ripped my shit, none of them give me credit, and not a single fucking one of them can do it better.

Sabrina: Can you elaborate on that?

IMPACT: Listening to these people talk is legitimately an alternative for listening to a lullaby to fall asleep. It’s a bunch of hackneyed fluff, designed to sound “deep and “intelligent,” but failing miserably because all of their contemporaries do the same routine with minor, but insignificant nuances and try to pass it off as original when in reality it doesn’t even pass for repackaged.

Sabrina: And if I may, what inspires you to keep pursing wrestling even though you’ve accomplished virtually all there is to do?

IMPACT: I like to keep my finger on the pulse. I know if I left tomorrow, it’d be a lot of sheep with an ax to grind trying to revise my legacy and pretend I wasn’t “all that.” A bunch of inbreds playing their little pranks because I’ve burned bridges I never even wanted to cross to begin with. Every moment I remain an active wrestler is a shot at them, and I think somewhere deep down inside, even if the people don’t realize it, that brings me an almost indescribable, cathartic joy. I exist to make these people twiddle their little thumbs and mumble profanities under their breath. Cursing me. Talking about “Impact ain’t all that, so and so doing this new little gimmick (they stole from me) better!” None of these people can touch me. And I’d be wary to let them touch you, because they carry contagious diseases. REVOLT! doesn’t need that. I’m the cure.

Sabrina: I see. You’ve already captured the tag team championships here, do you have plans to do more in the future? What’s your endgame for your time in REVOLT?

IMPACT: I’ll just tell it like DEDEDE did and say it would be unbecoming of someone in my position to even consider a singles run at this juncture — the pinnacle of the Tag Team division. Ain’t nobody fucking with us right now. Every time I make a foray into the singles division, I thrive. So the fact that I have absolutely zero doubt I would succeed as a heavyweight actually makes me less eager to stray from Liquid Swords. I don’t have any lingering doubts about how good I am. The people who are facing me do, and it’s palpable in the bitch-made way most of my opponents usually speak to me, like they got something to prove or a point I’m missing, when there was never a point to miss.

Sabrina: Thank you, Mr. Impact.

IMPACT: The groupies just keep on comin’.

SOFIA CLARKE: Thanks Sabrina! NEXT CALLER! YOU’RE LIVE!

Man: My name is Elijah and I want to say that I’m a huge fan of yours since your *BLEEP* days.

IMPACT: Very easy to be a “huge fan” after the fact. I know for a fact a lot of you weren’t fucking with me while I was selling out house shows being the one everybody loved to hate, taking the Genesis mantle. Convenient how my fanbase has grown with my legend. People accepted greatness. I’ll give you a pass though. You’re not different from the next guy. What’s good?

Elijah: So we all know that you’ve been a part of legendary matches that are considered timeless and classics; how do you usually prep before a big match?

IMPACT: Jump rope, bruh. And I’m not talkin’ about the suave type of jump-roping fitness instructors demonstrate. I’m talking about some obnoxiously loud, rabbit-hop style jump-roping. You know what’s funny? After I switched the style, everybody who was jump-roping normal started emulating me. Where have I heard that before? But in all seriousness, I find consistency to be the greatest factor in success. I don’t prepare for marquee match-ups any differently than I would a weekly exhibition. Start doing shit differently and changing your routine to match the “gravity of the occasion,” you start losing yourself in the hype and taking L’s that should be W’s. So no, I don’t drink goats’ blood or perform occult rituals or whatever other fabricated nonsense has been making rounds on the airwaves. Just do a little stretching and allow myself to become the calm in the storm and NEVER be a prisoner of the moment.

SOFIA CLARKE: Okay, next caaallleerrr!!!

Man: BLICKY BOYS FO’ LIFE!

IMPACT: Another one of these guys? Get off your mother’s landline.

Man: BLICKY GOT THAT STIFFY UH

IMPACT: Fruitier than Skittles. Next you’ll be telling me Day 69 was better than Illmatic.

Man: HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU SUCCESSFUL IN REVOLT WHEN YA GOT THAT DEPRESSED OLDHEAD BY YOUR SIDE? DO YOU EVER WISH MR. DEDEDE WASN’T A DEPRESSED, SUICIDAL CAC?

IMPACT: I’m sorry, what was that? “Cock”? Bruh, you’re unintentionally revealing a lot about yourself here. Talking shit on DEDEDE when he’s got six reigns and you’re probably taking six inches after this call.

SOFIA CLARKE: Caller… Please, something good.

Man: Hey, uh

IMPACT: Don’t bother, I’ll do it for you. Got the blicky, uh, somethingsomething Blicky Boyz

Man: I’m going! Sorry… Uh

IMPACT: Oh.

Man: Um, so … what does DDD smell like?

IMPACT: Fuck you asking what he smells like for? The stalkers, groupie thots, and shameless dickriders out in full force tonight. Man, I love wrestling, but this sport truly does attract all kinds of weirdos.

Man; Chill… Would you prefer bad boy bearded DDD or soft, silky, smooth shaven DDD?

IMPACT: I prefer whatever DDD helps Liquid Swords accomplish the most in that ring. So, current DDD. I’m sure as much as he’d love to have you, anonymous serial-killer-sounding caller, give him grooming tips, he’s gonna have to make like the Seahawks in Super Bowl 49 and pass. Little bit of gallows humor there. Gotta cope somehow.

SOFIA CLARKE: NEXT CALLER… COME ON…

Woman: Oh my gosh hi Sofia!!

IMPACT: (Grinning) … Another one.

SOFIA CLARKE: Oh, um, hi!

Stacy: My name is Stacy and I am the fellow owner of the popular Facebook group called “Astraea The Best and She Can Attest While She Kick You In The Chest”

IMPACT: I’m sure the rest of the Freeweight Division feels some type of way about that.

Stacy: We all know that Astraea Jordan is the greatest female competitor that REVOLT has to offer (A female voice is heard from the background: YEAH, SUCK IT SIENNA!) But who is your favorite female wrestler alive apart from our queen?

IMPACT: As far as Revolt goes, while I don’t play favorites or really get into the game of deciding who’s better than who if it ain’t relevant to me, probably Sienna Jade. She just has the look, feel, and poise of a champion. I know that ain’t what you fangirls want to hear, but hey, I’ll tell you like I told my last hoe – truth hurts.

Stacy: (Sighs heard in the background, a brief pause ensuing)… This may be a bit awkward to ask but…

IMPACT: Literally everything I’ve been asked has been awkward in some way or another. When “weird” and “edgy” becomes the standard, there is your new “normal.” “I ain’t like those other girls!” … Y’all are exactly like those other girls. (laughs)

Stacy: I’m different, I swear! But, uh, umm… What do you look for in a female companion?

IMPACT: For them to be willing to accept my multiple partners. If you’re not willing to be a card in my collection, don’t even bother looking my way. And if you aren’t willing, don’t kid yourself acting like someone else won’t be.

Stacy: One more… Black or white?

IMPACT: Definitely not white.

SOFIA CLARKE: Thank you so much, Stacy but we’re going to give our guest a little break. Now it’s time for the social media portion of this show where I read the most retweeted and liked tweets from people using the #7REIGNS.

(Sofia scrolls through her feed as Impact takes a sip of his coffee in a black mug.)

SOFIA CLARKE: Oh! Here’s a question that has been retweeted 1.2k times! Wow! And it reads form the user @tidep0dzz “r u a salty cracka or do u prefer to remain unsalted #7REIGNS” …

IMPACT: Why are we letting people with sub-80 IQ’s have this kind of outreach? Y’all gotta fix this shit.

SOFIA CLARKE: Okay, let me read one more… I’m sure there’s a good one.. OH! This comes from the user @iluv2masterbait and it reads “What type of bitches make your liquid swords solid?”

(Sofia blushes as she awaits for Impact’s response.)

IMPACT: The type that don’t take photos of me while I’m sleeping and put it on their instagram trying to “expose” me like I give a fuck. Clout chasers ain’t nothing but a vagina.

SOFIA CLARKE: Ladies and gentlemen we’re going to take a quick break as we hear a word from our sponsors.

(COMMERCIAL: Go to naturebox.com/Impact to get 10 dollars off of your next nature box monthly subscription. And get some of Impact’s favorite snacks such as Ghost Pepper Almonds and Nacho Lime Tortilla Chips! Offer only valid in the U.S and not in Puerto Rico, sorry GC.)

SOFIA CLARKE: WELCOME BACK! Ready for our next callers??

IMPACT: I stay ready.

SOFIA CLARKE: LET’S GET STARTED!

Man: This is Steven from PWSecrets.com, do you think Liquid Swords would have survived in a different era with more legitimate tag teams?

IMPACT: More legitimate tag teams? Is that an actual question? Would the two most accomplished wrestlers in the history of the sport survive in an era with more tag teams? Did DEDEDE and I survive in the eras where we won champion after championship? We DEFINED those eras. Just like we’re defining this era. There are no “legitimate” teams because with our mere formation we rendered every other team obsolete. I can’t believe this shit. That’s like asking if Michael Jordan would fare well in the modern NBA. Clowns that don’t know will talk shit, but the ones who witnessed greatness know what it is.

Steven: If you could go back in time and change a particular event from your career, what would it be?

IMPACT: Associating myself with laughably supercilious subhumans. They’re convincing themselves everybody else is expendable as we speak, at their little meetings talking about which school they’re going to shoot up after they get done with Overwatch. As far as a particular match result I could change? Maybe the main event of Pain for Pride 6 against my Liquid Swords partner Mr. DEDEDE or Pain for Pride 9. I would say Pain for Pride 10, but if I’m being honest I was paid under the table to take the fall. You don’t gotta believe me. Just saying. (shrugs)

Steven: And why is that your choice, sir?

IMPACT: I could have gained a lot of momentum with those victories. Just wasn’t meant to be. Doesn’t really matter because everything I aspired toward already happened. I’m flexing right now just because I can. I don’t have to worry about “ruining my legacy” because I’m at the top of my game inside that ring, on that microphone, everywhere — firing on all cylinders.

SOFIA CLARKE: Next caller!

Woman: Impact, I wanted to start and say that you have one of the greatest musical tastes from any wrestler I’ve seen.

IMPACT: Finally a tasteful comment.

Woman: If you could have any music artist other than Kid Cudi make a theme song for you, who would it be?

IMPACT: My theme isn’t Kid Cudi so I guess you already have your answer. I walked out of that curtain to “Can I Live” in 2012 and I’m walking out to it now in 2018. I feel like the vibe of the song embodies how I approach wrestling today.

Woman: Who are your favorite musical artists?

IMPACT: Cudi, Kanye West, Jay-Z, Eminem (not current Revival trash era Eminem, more like first three classic albums Eminem), Travis Scott, vaporwave-type music, synth-heavy stuff, grunge, really anything that I can sink my teeth into and resonates with me lyrically, melodically, or spiritually.

SOFIA CLARKE: Oh I like them too!

IMPACT: I love groupies.

SOFIA CLARKE: … NEXT CALLER. Last one so please make it good!

Woman: Hey Impact!! It’s me, Sheila. We met at the bar last month?

SOFIA CLARKE: Oh brother.

IMPACT: I never. Uh… I don’t recall. I didn’-

Sheila: Blonde hair? Jean skirt? Tank top?

IMPACT: Lot of blond-haired guys in tank tops and jean skirts, come on! That could be anybody! Why you gotta jump to the famous guy? Realistically though, my card collection is quite extensive. Wouldn’t be shocked.

Sheila: Well, when we met at the bar we had a few drinks and we had a really good conversation about your career and accomplishments. Revolt is a whole new playground filled with competitors you’ve most likely never heard of. Who on the REVOLT roster would you like to face that you haven’t already?

IMPACT: While I don’t remember this conversation ever taking place… Maybe Andrei Sokolova? He’s the champion for a reason and if I ever took a detour through that division, he’d be at the top of the list. I faced Lucian Baal, the emo who I had faced a few times before and swears the genesis of his wrestling career being derailed was a loss he took to me years ago… It was nice to shut him up. I’ll face anyone, to be honest. I don’t care what kind of rough-and-tumble background they have. I’ve won it all and done it all. After you ascend wrestling’s pearly gates, the only thing that matters is the competition. I try to stay on top of it. Would say I do a pretty damn good job.

Sheila: Even though I don’t ever want to think about this I can’t help but ask; How many more years you see yourself going before you retire from wrestling for good?

IMPACT: (Ponders the question for a moment) … Until I can’t be denied.

SOFIA CLARKE: Well, folks, it appears that our time has run out. I am absolutely grateful to have someone like you, Impact, come on our show and give us some of your time.

IMPACT: As you should be. The fact Liquid Swords were willing to bless Real Talk with appearances is a heavensent gift. By appearing on this show, we’ve already taken it to the next level. Just like we’ve taken this Tag Team division to the next level with our names alone. Now anybody who signs their contract knows as they cross the i’s and dot the t’s on the paper that this ain’t a fucking cakewalk. They’re facing the best of the best. We’ve brought the prestige back and restored the feeling. The people who talking some “Old Yeller” shit were thrown out the door by the grip of our hands. And that’s not just the Blicky Boyz, but the extended family of haters. The rejects and social pariahs that for so long tried to undermine us and nearly succeeded until we nipped the bullshit in the bud. That’s what I’m grateful for.

SOFIA CLARKE: I hope everyone watching live got a chance to see more about one half of the Tag Team Champions and please keep supporting the show by clicking our affiliated links and tuning in. Before we go, where can our fans catch you on social media?

IMPACT: I haven’t really gotten to blessing social media with my presence yet. Trust the process. Far greater likelihood I’ll cash in on my promises than a 76ers Center who can barely play back-to-backs.

SOFIA CLARKE: Any parting words before the lights get turned off on us?

IMPACT: I said what I said. Fuck anyone who’s got a problem with it.

SOFIA CLARKE: Well, that’s all for tonight. Until next week! Bye!! Want to wave bye to the camera, Impact?

IMPACT: (Impact makes hand-washing gesture) … Y’all don’t pay me enough for this shit.

(The cameras show an enthusiastic Sofia Clarke waving at the camera as Impact sits with his disgusted look on his face. He takes another sip of his coffee as the cameras slowly fade to black.)